Chapter 1
It was several weeks since the Spirumb
Red had cruised through the J sector and
the florrum desalia was blooming in the upper region of a small planetoid known
locally as Heat. A yellow insect-filled wind blew fluffily through a lush dark
jungle and on an adjacent arid desert plane a pink dust storm arose around two
monolithic creatures locked in loud violent combat.
The crab-like remote utility vehicle
dispatched from the nearby grounded starship Cacha grappled titanically with a gigantic pulsating horror of
a beast: The intergalactic clitorsa or clit monster as it was locally known.
Nearby a giant royal warship of
the Galactic Empress, Tamary Von Fuego hovered like a small moon as black
clouds billowed from its belly. A series of thick tangled capture cables, some
snapped, some cut, trailed uselessly from the gaping cargo bay. The fierce
clitorsa had been infuriated by the warship’s attack and restraint attempt. It had
easily severed several of the megaton cables itself but it was the Cacha’s spider-limbed RUV which jumped in to free the poor ensnared
behemoth from the reinforced steel web that had cut the rest of the lines with
whirring dyno-blades. However, the well intentioned operator of the
crustaceously robotic vehicle never expected the gruesome monster to turn so
furiously on the one that freed it, and now he battled for his own life.
In the warship cargo bay a panic
had ensued. Masked technicians,
labor drones and armored soldiers tried relentlessly to contain the over-heated
and flaming cable winches that arced and erupted with electric plasma and
smoke. On the control deck above the commotion Empress Tamary was livid at the
botched operation.
“Who are those meddling
imbeciles out there!?” She screamed and flailed about in spastic anger nearly
popping the seams on her tight, black, leather, designer battle gown created
just for this occasion.
Clicking eerily with each step,
her ghoulish science officer Dr. Tarx approached the railing of the command
deck to peer down at the epic vista out beyond the jammed and smoke-framed
cargo bay doors. “They appear to be some sort of lower-life-form rights
activists, Your Majesty,” he said with a dead cold demeanor.
“Bring
me whoever’s in that crab thing, NOW,” She hissed!
“Yes Empress.” Cocking his head
slightly to activate the tiny communication device implanted in his temple, he
spoke firmly, “Dispatcher, send out a squadron of troops to retrieve the
occupants of the vehicle.”
Across the salmon-colored sand
dunes to the east, the remaining meter-high furry alien occupants of the starship
Cacha were experiencing their own problems.
“Ess-ing kutzpas, Tardo! What’s
taking you so long!? Kanda is going to be killed out there!” Kimi Screamed into
the com device. Through the forward view port she witnessed the mortal peril
her husband had undertaken outside.
I'm trying! I'm trying! The
intakes are all clogged with sand! Tardo barked back to her from the engine
room as he feverishly sucked at the exposed engine innards with a light green
vacuum tool.
“That
fucking thing has him pinned down!”
“Oh you mean that poor innocent
creature that needed saving a few minutes ago? I told you this wasn’t a good idea! I said, ‘Kanda, do
not take the loader out on manual!’ But nobody listens to Tardo!” I don’t know why we even joined the
Galactic Gurus in the first place. All this life form rights shit is going to
get us killed!”
Kimi was paying no attention to Tardo’s
rant. Rather she was riveted to the perilous situation her spouse was ensnared
in. “Something’s happening!”
“What?” throwing the small
vacuum aside, Tardo slammed the access panel shut and bolted through the cabin
to the cockpit. Flipping a series of switches to prime the systems, he quickly
shot a glance through the forward view port to see what Kimi was panicking
about.
“I don’t know. There’s a bunch
of flying armored guys going to help him I think!” she further clarified.
“Oh my hairy asshole! Royal brushtroops.
Fuckin’ brainless zombies! They’re not
there to help.”
The Cacha coughed out the remaining clouds of sand preparing to blast
off for an emergency rescue but it would not be able to fly for several more
minutes. Kimi watched the distant battle helplessly. The clitorsa was howling
shrilly and ripping each leg from the RUV as a small swarm of shiny black soldiers
leapt from a small open aircraft that circled the scene. Fiery jetpacks ignited
and they zoomed in toward the shredded metal carapace. Three of the soldiers
met a quick fate as the clit dispatched them with a vicious claw-tipped tentacle
but the remaining two managed to zip in and withdraw the single battered body
of a short, brown-furred being. They then shot quickly back to the skiff craft
with their prisoner and the pilot banked agilely away, barely missing
ferociously flailing appendages.
They’re
taking Kanda to the warship!
“Hold on, I’ve almost got it!”
Tardo was grappling with the last of the launch process, an inconveniently
stiff lever that was not locking in place correctly.
“They’re
getting away! They’re taking my boo-ba!”
She cried. “Kanda!”
As the giant warship swallowed
the small skiff it immediately began lifting away from the planets arid
surface. From a wide portal on the starboard side Dr. Tarx watched the gnashing
creature below as it sifted angrily through the remains of the crab vehicle,
using its long proboscis and tongue to smell and taste for the internal prize,
but to no avail. It smelled the air and roared up at the departing warship. She
knew it had stolen her desire. As he watched, Tarx made a useful observation:
It appeared the monster was powerfully driven by the smell of the small alien
pilot and still seemed to have a lock on him even at this increasing distance.
Kanda pulled uselessly at the
heavy shackles around his wrists. Resistance was futile and the black armored
guards frequently repeated this to remind his of his hopeless situation as they
dragged Kanda’s dwarfed frame through the passage way. Loyal to the human Empress,
they seemed to also be human in nature and appearance, from the neck down. But
in no way would their elongated gun-like helmets ever comfortably accommodate a
human head. “Resistance is futile!” Furthermore
their voices seemed synthesized and robotic. Kanda thought it was like someone
had stuck a weird robot head on a human body. In fact they had.
The troops entered a dank drab
vestibule. Originally this had been a men’s restroom designed for the large
physiology of the braggart species
who had originally built this ship. Upon taking command of the vessel Empress
Tamary had seen fit to use this space as a sort of occasional interrogation
room and torture chamber and the frequency of use was becoming rather high. The
vortex-like vacuum waste ports made disposal of gruesome remains quite
convenient.
The soldiers dropped Kanda in
front of the ominous woman. Tamary was dressed now in a long rubbery red gown
that flared out wide and stiff at the floor. Her sinewy arms were covered in
long red gloves that terminated in needle-like three-inch nails. Two small
globular worker drones orbited her head building a gigantic hair-do. As her
gaze darted poisonously down toward Kanda the drones backed away and hovered at
attention.
“You little piece of hairy
shit!!” She pointed menacingly with her taloned forefinger. “I’ve been stalking
that clit for months!!””
“You have no right to harm the innocent
creatures of this world!” Kanda yelled back quoting from the Guru Handbook with all the authority he could muster. The time for
diplomacy was clearly past.
“I own this world!” She hissed back icily. “Oh, such Insolence
from so puny a life form! What are
you?”
“I
am a brave and mighty spec! Kanda
announced defiantly.”
“Ba-ha-ha-ha,” the Empress
cackled! Yes how aptly titled you are! An insignificant little spec!”
Kanda disregarded the insult. “You
may hold the power in this galaxy, but you do not own it and it is not your right to abuse it! Leave this
world and leave it be!
“I am The Empress!” She retorted
venomously. “I can do what ever the hell I want! I will tear you limb from limb
for your lack of respect!”
Kanda held his composure as he
faced certain painful demise. Beneath it he had been analyzing the room and it
contents furiously for the best escape route and as the sharp claws of the
Empress drew near, the moment to act was now upon him. From the dense fur under
his arm Kanda subtly slipped out the sharp metal shard he had retained from the
RUV wreckage. Suddenly he swung his shackled paws upward stabbing the left
guard precisely between the plates of his groin armor. The wounded soldier let
out a sudden robotic high screech and doubled forward. It was just enough of a
distraction to allow Kanda to dart off between the legs of the other guard. The
second guard awkwardly fired an energy blast that nearly roasted his own nuts
but missed Kanda completely.
“Retain
him,” screamed Tamary!!
Kanda ran for the closest wall
and leapt into one of the several large refuse suck-tubes which automatically
flushed him away to an unknown fate, but it had to be better than what he might
have faced at the hands of the pathological Empress.
“AAAARRGH,” she
screamed in anger and frustration. “That
little spec of shit!” Tamary then contained her anger for the moment and
instructed, “Guards, relay my instructions to the Colonel: make sure to vent
the sewage tanks before we leave orbit!” If she could not dispatch the prisoner
with her own cruel hands then she would ensure his death by the next best
method; asphyxiation in space.
“Where the hell is Cowcheck?” Tamary
yelled in annoyance as the armor-glass door jumped out of her way and she stomped
on to the command bridge. At some point between the interrogation room and the
bridge she had managed another wardrobe change. She now wore a high-collared,
wide-shouldered power ensemble that shimmered with black micro crystals like the
depths of space she ruled over.
Tarx casually approached. In tow
were his two box-like life-support satellites on squeaky little legs, tethered
to his decrepit body. “I believe the emperor is in his royal chambers…
sleeping.”
“Oh,
but of course!” she retorted sarcastically
“Your Majesty, about the prisoner, perhaps he may be more
valuable than one might expect.”
“That
little cretin? How?”
“The
clitorsa showed signs of strong attraction to the smell of the alien pilot.
“He
smelled like wet shit on a bad day. Who’d want to eat that?”
“Empress, the clitorsa wasn’t
trying to eat him. It’s her mating season. The prisoner must emit a musk similar to the clit pheromone. This
could be very useful in capturing possibly an even larger beast. If I could
just do some experiments on--.”
“You couldn’t have told me this
sooner?!” The Empress interrupted angrily. “The foul little alien is somewhere
in the sewage pipes now! And if you
don’t hurry, Dr. Tarx, then Colonel Chen will vent the system into space upon
departure!”
The implication of
responsibility was now on Dr. Tarx and he knew it was up to him to retrieve the
prisoner by whatever means necessary. As he clicked and squeaked away on
recycled limbs, metal struts and tiny wheels he spoke into his embedded
communicator. “Colonel Chen, belay the command for systems flush and await
further orders.” As his voice trailed off out the door he sounded distinctly
annoyed.
Chapter 2
Kanda hurled up his breakfast as
the unbearable vacuum pressure sucked him through the dark noxious pipes past
great muddy lumps of crap, through a storm of bitter acidic liquid and threw
him painfully up against a large filter of embedded bony debris. He could not
breathe under the deluge that landed upon him and he thrashed wildly until
thankfully the clogged filter burst and the bruised and half-drowned spec fell
gasping into a slimy black pool. At first he thought the heavy hand cuffs would
drown him but then he realized how shallow the pool was. Several meters above
him the gushing torrent slowed to a trickle as the broken filter quickly
replaced itself. He blinked his burning eyes rapidly to clear them. Slowly his
vision retuned. He seemed to be in some large open space in the bowels of the
ship, but where? The acidic sewage irritated his skin where it had penetrated
his dense oily fur, but at least he could breathe now. Kanda climbed up on a massive
rusted pipe and shook himself dry with a fantastic centrifugal thrashing spasm.
He caught his balance and looked around. “Hello?” his voice echoed.
Kanda sat on the massive pipe
listening to the groaning creaky ship’s innards. Hydraulic systems rushing, distant
servo-vents randomly flapping open and closed, the shrill whistling of tiny motors...
No, not motors, it was a tune of sorts. Kanda peered into the darkness. From
across the pool into his dim field of vision swam a small amphibious creature
half whistling, half gasping for air. The creature neared the pipe, pitched up
a wet sack of something and then pulled itself up. As he wrung himself out, the
skinny wet being noticed Kanda sitting there.
“Oh
Hello. Did you just come in?” the creature asked in a gentle civilized tone.
“Ah
ya, I guess you’d say that. Is there any way out?”
“Well no, not really. But
there’s no use in staying here on this old drain pipe. Why don’t you come back
to my place?”
“Your
place?” Kanda was a bit apprehensive having just met and not properly
introduced.
“Yes, my place. Come on. There’s
a few of us there. You know you’re not the first one that ugly bitch has
flushed down the lieu. She’s all ‘You nasty little turd!’ Then off you go, right down the crapper…. if she doesn’t
kill you first.
“Ya
she’s got a real attitude problem. I'm Kanda by the way.”
“Keez.”
He extended a wiry webbed talon. “Pleased to equate your maintenance.”
That was an odd thing to say, Kanda thought. Maybe he’s not playing with a full
deck. I’m sure he meant ‘make your acquaintance’. Kanda reached out with his bound wrists to awkwardly
shake.
“Oh, my. Here let me help you
with those.” Keez produced a makeshift wire loop strung with various shards of
jagged metal and proceeded to pick the shackle lock.
The two tip-toed along the large cylinder and hopped onto an
inclined air duct that lead through a cramped passage never meant for
occupation. They stopped at a utility hatch and Keez selected a metal shard
from the wire loop and jammed it into the smashed access key pad. It sparked
briefly and the hatch slid open.
Inside was a hollow room-sized
space that once housed a massive old out-dated moisture analyzer, long since
removed and upgraded with faster smaller technology. The new analyzer plugged
neatly into a three by five inch socket overhead and cast a bleak green glow
from its ‘everything’s just fine’
indicator, leaving plenty of living space for the current tenants.
Kanda was surprised to find that
they had traded the foul noxious stench of the sewage ways for a completely
different and unique foul noxious stench.
“Food!!” upon their entrance a
grotesque swine-like creature suckling ten to twenty tadpole-shaped piglets on
her multiple lumpy breasts, demanded to be fed.
I’ve some juicy morsels for you,
dearest. And we have another guest!”
Keez pitched to her the wet bag which spilled open with an assortment of
writhing slugs and ragged bones that she began cramming in her jagged-toothed
mouth. “Please excuse my wife. Pookie gets a bit grumpy when she’s hungry.”
Two other thin greasy creatures quite
similar to Keez were taking argumentative turns franticly mounting the back end
of Pookie.
“Those
are my brothers, Thelo and Dezz.”
“They’re
humping your wife.”
“Oh,
well, she’s their wife too. Fancy a go? ”
Wanting to quickly divorce
himself from the vulgar idea of a turn with Pookie, Kanda looked awkwardly
around the dim space. In the corner facing a dim yellow light diode on the wall,
there appeared to be a creepy Xetenu sitting in an old tattered armchair.
“Who’s that?”
“Just
some guy.” Keez shrugged.
Kanda drew closer to the silhouette of the tall figure which
sat there a bit stiffly. As his eyes adjusted to the light he realized why. This
xet was not real. But from behind the chair rose a second pair of stalk eyes, a
live xetenu who was busy mushing at the surface of the seated xet sculpture.
“What
are you doing?” Kanda asked.
“Do
you like it? It’s crappier mache. I
call him ‘Free-mo’,” replied the xet.
“He’s
made out of… crap?”
“Well…. you’ve got to work with
what you’ve got,” the xet said with a bit of a playful smile as he stood up. “You’re
new here.”
“Yes.
I'm Kanda.”
“Kanda’ new here you mean?”
“No,
my name is Kanda. I'm with The
Galactic Guru Association.”
“Oh, I see. I'm Yzo. Sorry the
circumstances aren’t nicer, but it’s still a pleasure to meet you”.
“Thanks. Same here.”
“What’s
a Galactic Guru?
“The GGA is an organization
dedicated to the preservation of the remaining universe and all its noble lower
life forms,” Kanda replied drawing a near quote from his handbook.
“I
see. Is there any money in that?”
“No, not an o’top. Me and the
Mrs. just joined when our home was destroyed by greedy developers.”
“Oh,
wow, sorry to hear that.”
“Ya, it sucks but we’re ok now I
guess.” Kanda’s family was not ok. They were quite uncomfortable and missed
their quaint tree-house home on Dorgol, but he did not care to talk about it. “So
how long have you guys lived in here?”
“Well, I'm not really with
them,” replied Yzo. “I just got here a while ago myself. Came in through an air
duct a few weeks ago.”
A small scuffle had erupted
between the three mangy amphiboids. Pookie continued gorging obliviously.
“The Brothers were nice enough to let me stay,” Yzo
continued. “I think they’re accepting me as one of the clan now,” Yzo said with
some sort of strange minor satisfaction.
Kanda was a little alarmed at
the charming and totally out-of-place xetenu’s comment. He could tell Yzo was
not a weirdo like the others. “Oh broog, you can’t be serious! Look, I don’t
know how you’ve lasted this long but I think we’ve got to get out of here
before these freaky mutants eat us… or something worse!” He motioned subtly at
the three froggy brothers all simultaneously trying to hump Pookie’s enormous greasy
ass.
Yzo looked over at the insatiable
pig-woman finishing off the last of the slugs and bones and for the first time truly
embraced the reality of the situation; sooner or later they’d either be Pookie’s
dinner or next two husbands. He sighed. “I suppose you’re right. Can you drive
a two-seater?”
“Ya,”
Kanda said dumbfounded, “…you got one?”
“C’mon. Follow me.” Yzo said as
he grabbed a small satchel and slipped behind a loose wall panel.
