WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSAL ARCHIVE

Chapter 13

The Warship Cowcheck held a steady orbit around the planet Neopolsi. On board, the second shift crew had just finished their evening cycle and with The Empress and her two primary underlings away the mood was relaxed and much lighter than usual. The Emperor, himself had not emerged from his sleeping quarters for several weeks now and was not expected to for days yet.

The Emperor’s bed chamber was like a sealed tomb. It was dimly lit only by various low lying device diodes, dust removers and humidifiers pulsing slowly hypnotically like the sleeping breaths of their slumbering sire. To each side of the shrouded royal bed stood a brawny statuesque Banbaki Guard.

For over a thousand years the Banbaki had been the guardians of the Braggart royalty. Religiously loyal, fiercely skilled; they would die for their emperor but seldom did for there was hardly an adversary that could defeat them in battle. When assigned, they protected Emperor Cowcheck at all costs and not even The Empress herself got an unsupervised audience. This was probably for the best.

Behind the heavy dark purple curtains in a soft nest of the finest zlack-silk sheets lay a hard grey body-shaped shell, huge and rotund. The braggart physiology was large and powerful but it would spend much energy over a 36 day cycle, sleeping only a little here and there until at the end when longrest was entered. Longrest was a roughly 36 day period of deep rejuvenating hibernation sleep during which the braggart body excreted and encased itself in a gelatinous resin that hardened into a protective casing. It was day thirty-two and Cowcheck had not stirred, oblivious to the escapades his wife had undertaken.

Suddenly there was a peculiar rattle clattering quietly across the room. The guards breaking a nearly two day pose quickly looked upwards scanning the ceiling.  Above the chamber ran a narrow ventilation duct and something seemed to be traversing it. The guards gripping their powerful energy maces looked at each other through their tusked-helmet visors. To watch, one might have thought the big lummoxes were baffled but really they were communicating almost imperceptibly in a language that nearly qualified for telepathy. They silently traded possibilities and strategies. Assassin drone? Bio-weapon? ...Rats? Cautionary maneuver 42.

The sound tinkled down the wall and then stopped. Abruptly the room was flooded with light and sound. The wide-stage Hucoti had loudly awoken in the middle of a blaring 3-D game show. “I’d like to buy the gang-rape immunity vowel for 6000, Perry!”

The monolithic defenders impulsively discharged their maces at the wall power outlet. In a flash the power plug was a burnt smoking hole. The room went dark again, and silent. What ever had caused the commotion was either dead or had fled the wall space. Unfortunately the ruckus had broken the emperor’s slumber.

The great stony shell lurched a bit then a series of squeaky cracks were heard as the protein barrier tore apart and a great snarley yawn erupted. The stretching naked brag coughed and smacked as he cleared the weeks of accumulated plaque and mucus from his mouth and lungs. Immediately the Banbakis were dutifully by his side as the great half ton emperor rolled out of bed and though still quite groggy rose powerfully to his feet. Grabbing his royal fuzzy blue bathrobe he stumbled out the door.

Cowcheck’s first instinct was for food. There being none prepared and waiting for him when his sleep was unexpectedly preempted, he had made directly for the ships galley.

As he plodded down the hallway with his bodyguards behind him he passed through a wide foyer. In the center was a figurative sculptural fountain sprinkling water ever so gently from a vase. Cowcheck could not help also notice that to the left and right of the foyer there were regal tiers of hanging plants and a tall ensign named Rialto was watering the greenery with a long squirty watering wand. The stream sprayed happily across the leaves and Cowcheck now realized it had been thirty-two days since he last urinated. Food would have to wait.

Cowcheck detoured into a familiar doorway to relieve himself.  He positioned himself in front of the vacuous waste sucker, pointed his enormous royal dong into the tube and let go an urgent golden stream. Just then he heard a small timid voice.

“Well I'm impressed. How about you?” Tardo addressed Kimi shackled to the wall next to him. 

Kimi was wide-eyed and speechless, which was just as well because all her talking hadn’t gotten them anywhere as of yet, except for chained to this dungeon/men’s room wall.

Cowcheck pushed his bleary eyes across the gruesome and perverse scene around him. Ancient and contemporary torture devices littered the gore-stained white tiled restroom. Victim’s remains morbidly ornamented the walls as well as two small furry creatures that had been recently captured.  “What the futt lugg’s she been doing now!?”

Chapter 14

“Hey Yzo,” Kanda exclaimed as Yzo approached the now empty table where they’d dined. “Where were you?  You okay, Broog?”

“Oh, ya, I'm fine. Just got a little lost,” he replied

“I told the others we’d meet them upstairs in a little bit after we stop in and say hi to Laida’s boyfriend, you don’t mind do you? We won’t stay long; he’s kind of a douche.”

“No that’s fine.” Yzo agreed.

 “I had the waiter wrap up your sandwich to go. It’s in here.” Kanda handed Yzo his satchel. “It was kind of glowing and vibrating last time I looked.”

“Oh thanks, Broog.” Yzo peeked in the bag and was a little disappointed. “Aw, kartex. I said extra dola.” 

“Oh, that sucks,” Kanda replied. “They’ll probably have some at the bar in that lounge.”

“Well, aren’t we going to the kitchen anyway?”

“Ya, Yzo, this Club Neopolsi. They feed four million people daily. That would be like trying to siphon a small amount of fuel from a speeding supertanker on a roaring seventy-two lane super space highway during a storm of asteroids and scantily clad showgirls,” replied Kanda who had once worked in the Club N kitchen along side of young Donald Lottomen as a lowly dish washer, a job that more resembled an industrial sewer cleaner.

“Point taken.”

The obsidian bar snaked for a half mile through the Southern Loungeway. The best stocked bar in the history of time and space itself, it was well known for serving potable distilled concoctions invented on over a thousand worlds across the universe. Despite the bars immense size and serving capacity the Southern Loungeway was still quite crowded with a diverse and bizarre blend of jovial alien socialites laughing and conversing away the evening.

“Bartender! Another Be-shee on the rocks and don’t forget to mix it this time!” Tamary shouted at a multi-armed arsenaut bartender.

“Ma’am, don’t you think you’ve had enough? They’re very strong.”

The five drinks The Empress had just finished were indeed potent. The Be-shee was regarded as a powerful female aphrodisiac on several worlds. 

“Perhaps he’s right, my lady.” Chen added.

“Oh cut the crap Chen! You know you want me. You’ve wanted me for the last six years and you thought I didn’t even know it! The question is, Chen, are you man enough to take me?”

Just then as if on queue an audio communication from Turquoise rang into Chen’s implanted earpiece and he turned to get better reception. “Sir, I’ve secured accommodations as requested.”

 Chen looked back at Tamary only to find that she was not there. To illustrate her previous question she had climbed up on the bar and was swinging her fluffy boa about her head as she let out a drunken yell. “Ok boys; do me like I like it! WOOO!” 

No longer able to conceal themselves in Tamary’s puffy feather boa, the two globular hair drones flew out in dramatic orbits only to return at full force and rip the silk scarf from Tamary’s head. The long blond tresses exploded all wild and sexy. The drones then launched furiously into a hair restyle as they’d been commanded.

Suddenly loud music kicked in. A throbbing ultra-tech beat that some area-specific mood sensor decided was appropriate. “Oh ya, babies! Do Mamma right. She’s got a hot date!” As Tamary’s hair morphed quickly into an immensely long braid wound up into a high bobbing phallus-like scorpion tail she swiveled her pelvis in a nasty tease directed toward Chen’s face. “Woooo!”

Perfect. Chen though sarcastically as he pulled at his drunken employer to come down off the bar. So much for keeping a low profile. Could this get any worse? …and then it did.

From her high perspective atop the bar Tamary blearily looked down on the weirdly diverse crowd and though her drunken haze was indeed thick, her gaze came eye to eye with a familiar furry brown face. Instantly she realized it was the very spec that she was there seeking and she nearly burst with excitement. “You! I see you, you little turd sucker! You’re not getting away this time!” she loudly slurred.

“Duck!” Yzo quickly pulled Kanda down into the thick crowd. They crouched among all sorts of various alien legs and tentacles “Kanda, stay down here for a couple minutes then meet me at the tacky display we passed on the way in. But stay low!”

“I'm only three feet, for Gordo’s sake. I can’t do much else. What are you doing Yzo?”

“Just trust me! Here hold my sandwich!” Yzo thrust his satchel at Kanda and then did the thing that seemed least logical. He popped up in view, jumped onto the bar just a few feet from the drunken empress, looked her square in the eye and then began fleeing down the obstacle laden black runway, leaping catlike over the barflies and glasses.

Tamary having momentarily lost her focus, then started in with renewed fury and began chasing Yzo down the bar. Glasses hanging above fell and shattered into the crowd as Tamary’s erect hairdo plowed through them. Below, her shiny shoes struck like snapping teeth, smashing fingers and spilling drinks. An explosion of salty bar snacks flew outward as she clumsily kicked over one bowl and then another. “Come back here you little pube-wad! I’ve got your wife!” Her hair had fallen and unraveled and now she swung it crazily around like some sort of whip. If it had actually been a whip it might have qualified for a public threat and little flying security-bots would have zoomed in to neutralize the weapon, but this was just an angry drunken woman swinging her hair around.

 Still Tamary was pissed, in fast pursuit and in her own mind she was powerfully throwing quarter-ton patrons aside like used tissue wads. Slowing down or stopping might have been the last thing that Yzo should have wanted to do, but that is oddly exactly what he did. He slid to a halt, turned and began picking up empty glasses and placing them calmly on a tray. He walked right up to the confused and bleary-eyed Empress who was now not so sure what she was doing. “Can I freshen up your drink Ma’am? Perhaps help you down off the bar?”

“I was just-… There was a-…” It had been a long night. Tamary was not sure where the spec had gone and was a bit embarrassed, but she was glad the charming bartender was being so tactful. Yzo helped her down into the arms of Chen who had finally pushed his way through the crowd.

“C’mon Empress, time to get you off your feet,” Chen said as he signaled for a float-O to take them to their room.

Yzo approached the ancient history-themed display at the east entrance of the loungeway but did not immediately see his companion. “Kanda?” 

“I'm over here,” Kanda answered as he poked his head out of a second century Bwen Dynasty amphora. He crawled out and dusted himself off.

“Tamary said she had your wife. Do you think that’s true?”

“It would explain why she hasn’t contacted me. We should get up to the Professors suite. They’ll be able to help.”

“Ok,” Yzo agreed, “let’s go.”

“Hey Yzo, Why did that work??”

“What do you mean?”

“How did you do that? She thought you were me then she thought you were the bartender.”

“Oh… well, she was so blarko that… you know… The lighting was pretty bad and stuff.”

“Ya, I guess you’re right.”

The two stepped into the lift as a shiny-headed operator in a bold printed jacket held the door for them.  The car then ascended upward to the guest suite levels.

Chapter  15

The door slid open releasing the wafting warm scent of pegtillian jungle spice.  Chen carried Tamary through the welcoming moody glow of the foyer and into the dramatic and spacious jungle themed suite. Everything was laid out for romance. In the main room was a burbling love pool that glowed with a deep mysterious violet from the depths of its sensually stimulating warm gelatinous ooze. Next to the pool a body of water filled most of the room in the form of a small lagoon covered with floating spice orchids and surrounded by a moonlit jungle. Three mossy stone bridges spanned in three different directions over the water and into the jungle darkness to the three private bedrooms. Each bedroom had a different motif; the Timboo tree hut, the sacrificial volcanic cave and in the center the regal krylikian hive temple oozed an actual gush of greenish blue krylik honey that recycled around its oval opening. Small exotic bioluminous creatures populated the dark leafy green canopy and sang a wild sonata of jungle calls and soft draping moss-vines entwined everything and hung down from the lush thick branches.

Opposite the love pool was a wide soft sunken nest-like reception area lined with a series of large Dorgolian love mushrooms. In the center a low table was formed by the sculptural fungus and it was set with luscious exotic entrées T-9 had selected from room service, he’d thought of everything. Chen laid the drunken Empress down on the velvety soft mushrooms which began to glow and throb with slow bio-kinetic pulses of heat in response to being touched.

“Chenny, this jungle room was a great idea! Me hot jungle mama. Needy your big…. jungle warrior spear in my… sacrificial…… pit!” she said with a deviously awkward grin as she clumsily clawed at the front of Chen’s trousers. Grabbing his shirt she ripped the light well-tailored material violently open. She was thrilled at the sight of Chen’s firm young torso.

This was it. In no uncertain terms The Empress was giving him the go ahead. She finally had seen him as a desirable partner, finally acknowledged all his efforts and careful covert advances, finally showed signs of accepting him into her life at least in secret if not openly and now all he had to do was ease the ship into the hanger to seal the deal, settle himself inside the cushy privileged favor of the most powerful woman in the universe. Chen excitedly dropped his pants and clumsily started hopping around trying to get his boots off.

Tamary threw herself back on the couch-shroom as alluringly as she could manage in her inebriated state. Blooming her thighs open wide at him she said, “Come, my rippling glarmadon, trigger my man-swallowing passion-pod with your big… jabbing….”

Admittedly the rather complex reproductive cycle of the native carnivorous flora made sexual metaphors a bit dicey. “Oh just fuck me already!” she screamed, and pulled him down on top of her.

This is going to be easier than I thought, Chen thought to himself. He landed on her milky white body. Their lips locked in a hot storm of saliva and alcohol fumes and Chen ran his fingers up the back of her neck stumbling over an odd little knot of technology which broke free amid all the passion.

Chen pulled his mouth back horrified as The Empress’s creamy smooth flesh immediately withered away to a deflated flaky grayness. Her lips in a horrible tight grimace, eyes sunken, bones protruding, hair dead white, Tamary quickly reached her twisted fingers around and reconnected the spine link to the youth-maintaining cryo-amulet around her neck and almost magically came back to life. Without skipping a beat she continued her writhing seduction.

Chen, however, had become a bit unsure of him self now and could not get this fleeting hallucination out of his mind. What the kartex was that?! Had he really seen what he thought he had seen? The lovely empress momentarily reduced to a nasty husk then suddenly rejuvenated? He had been drinking also but was sure he was well under his limit. Were Dorgolian love mushrooms hallucinogenic? Regardless, the image had been a mood killer for certain and he began to rethink things. Chen amended his previous position, maybe this is too easy. After all she was at a disadvantage and she might not remember any of this too fondly. Perhaps this wasn’t a good idea after all.

Chen bolted up and nearly tripped on the pants he had failed to totally remove. “Turquoise! Hey buddy can you turn down the heat its getting a little too hot in here! Wow, look at all this great food. Man, you did a swell job here, we should eat some!”

Turquoise 9 awoke from his pseudo slumber in the coat closet by the front door. His dual-lobed optical receptor glowed light green as he lurched forward a bit confused but ready to serve. “Yes, sir.”

“All I want to eat is that big, hot, veiny love sausage,” Tamary exclaimed as she grabbed for Chen’s naked thighs.

Suddenly there was a loud thump at the door, then another.

“Oh I should probably get that, it might be important!” Chen blurted as he slipped from the drunken empress’s grasp. But before he had scrambled even half way there the door flung open and in fell a quite inebriated Dr. Tarx.

Tarx’s two satellite organ containers strained their meter long birdie legs to support the nearly unconscious jaytee body. “Oh thank Sonilok! Finally! I thought we’d never find the right room!” Tarx’s words were severely slurred.

“Doc! Buddy! Hey man, where ya’ been?” Chen was relieved for the diversion.

“I’ve been trading what little dignity I had left for another chance with the fucking Science Guild next year.” It seemed that Tarx’s presentation had gone rather badly. The invention had failed to perform at the critical moment in the presentation and not only did the crowd boo him off stage but the guild voted to ban him from any further entries in the future. It was only after dowsing his humiliation in several brain numbing cocktails that he met Dern Ronhdal in a maintenance access corridor and ‘bartered’ for his influence in changing the Science Guild’s decision. “Ow, my ass!” Tarx yelled as the mechanical boxes dropped him on the floor.

“Shot you down again, Huh?” Chen wanted badly to poke fun of the wounded Tarx but right now he appreciated the distraction.

 “Turquoise, couldn’t you have gotten him his own suite?” complained Tamary, who was very annoyed at the interruption.

“No others were available Ma’am. The club is at full capacity. I managed to bump Lord Zent and The Baroness for this one.”

“Baroneshh shmeroneshh,” Exclaimed Tamary. “She’s a common whore from Kongsong! I knew her when she was Brenda Lipensquatz!” And with that The Grand Empress of the Galaxy let out a gaping yawn and a startling fart, collapsed into the soft couch pit and began a snoring loudly.

Chapter 16

Yzo followed Kanda up the wide causeway of business suites on the three-hundred-and-sixty-first floor. They made a quick turn to the right, down an adjacent short hall that terminated in a business suite on semi-permanent lease to the Galactic Guru Association. The stately arched door was labeled in big gold letters with their moniker.

The duo entered to find them selves in a wide den-like reception area moodily lit with swirly streams of color and eclectically furnished with big comfortable pillows and overstuffed high backed chairs surrounding a low central platform; a Hucoti projector. All about the room floated many brass and silver-trimmed globes representing the many neighboring planets.

In a large cozy chair Professor Nooter looked up from his luminous periodical as the two entered. He set aside an exquisite tube-tethered aqua pipe and his large brandy snifter. “Well hello again, boys! I didn’t expect you so soon.”

“Sorry Professor, but we’ve learned something about Kimi and Tardo.”

“Really? Please, make yourselves comfortable. Severin is in his office finishing up some things and I was just relaxing with a Dribont brandy. Would either of you like one?”

“That would be b’loo. Thanks,” said Yzo.

“I gave Azura the night off. She’s been working so hard. ‘It’s all for the cause’, she says.” Nooter poured the dark smoky liquid for his guests.

“That woman just about runs this organization single handedly I’d say,” interjected Dr. Vonek as he entered the room. “Pour me one too, dear.”

“Hello again, Dr. Vonek,” Yzo said politely as he took the large glass orb from Hiram’s fuzzy fingers. “Oh, thanks.” He added quietly with a smile at Nooter.

“I thought you two were going dancing with Laida before you came up? What happened?” asked Vonek.

“Yes, well something came up that we didn’t foresee,” Kanda began, “We had somewhat of a run in with The Empress down in the dining room.”

Tamary? She’s here?” Vonek blurted in surprise nearly choking on his first sip of brandy.

Kanda continued, “Yzo thinks he heard her say she has Kimi.”

“Oh well that’s not good at all,” said Nooter with concern.

“We were wondering,” Kanda asked anxiously, “have you heard from your contacts yet?”